Never did I imagine that this would happen. It shouldn't happen but it does. This has been the most painful experience. My heart hurts and longs for you.
July 11, 2014 I found out I was pregnant for the very first time. I was so excited! I told your Dad immediately because I could not hold it in--forget about coming up with a really cute way to tell him! I couldn't believe that God was creating new life inside me and that this baby would be mine. Just thinking about that brought tears to my eyes. I was full of so much joy! I wanted to shout it from the roof tops. I started dreaming of life with you. I so deeply desired a baby girl and in my heart I had a feeling you would a girl. I had to wait until I was 8 weeks along to see you. On August 5, 2014, I heard your heartbeat for the very first time. It was the most beautiful sound. Your sweet heartbeat was beating fast and it was high. We left with sweet pictures of you.
We couldn't wait to tell your Grandparents. When we told Gramme and Papa, they both cried. Papa called you 'Little Peanut'. Grandma and Grumpa were so excited too. Aunt Joy cried. Grandma and Grumpa called you 'Little Hummingbird'. We were all so excited!
I read all about how to have a healthy pregnancy. I ate lots of spinach and kale; drank a lot of water and exercised. You were the best running buddy I'd ever had! I thought you'd be my little runner.
On October 13th, we found out you were a girl! The best birthday present ever! Later that week we had a party to celebrate and we announced your name--Naomi Joy. Naomi means pleasant and your middle name comes from your Aunt Joy. I was so excited about pink clothes and hair bows; Mother-Daughter outings; painting your toe nails and finger nails; telling you about Jesus.
I tried to talk to you often and I loved singing to you at Church. So many people talked about you and you were already so loved. You brought so much joy to our lives Baby Girl.
You looked great at all your doctor's appointments. You were growing and I was very thankful. My placenta buffered a lot of your movements so I didn't feel you move much. You were always curled up in a little ball and your little hand was behind your head. You were just hanging out in there. You looked so cute. I thought for sure you would be an "easy" baby.
The last time I heard your precious beating heart was November 10th at 22 weeks. In the weeks that followed that appointment, I began to suspect something wasn't quite right but I couldn't pin point it. I felt good and I never had any cramping or bleeding, so really, I thought all was okay.
On December 10th, we went to the doctor's office for our next routine appointment. I was 26 weeks along. I was so excited to see you! But, you weren't there. You didn't have a heartbeat. It was the worst day of my life. We called your grandparents, aunts and uncles. We were all and are heartbroken!
The next day at 11:49 p.m. your body was delivered. Your body was tiny and lifeless. I held you and cradled you. Your sweet head had a little bit of hair. Your little mouth was open and your hand covered your face.
Our attending nurses, Wendy, Tess, and Terri were so kind and wonderful. They cared so well for us. It's God's grace that one of the best Doctors was on-call that night. I can see God's hand in all the details of that day. God was taking care of us in the midst of sorrow and He's been holding my hand ever since.
I don't know what happened to you sweet girl and I would've done everything in my power to save your sweet life. Your Maker was knitting you together in my womb and you were so wonderfully made. You were beautiful Naomi!
I know you are in the arms of Jesus and that truth brings some comfort. The reality of moving forward in life without you is what is so painful. Eating feels difficult because you no longer are getting nourishment from me. My breasts are full of milk and that's hard because you don't need it.
One day I will meet you and hear you laugh. I will hold you and rock you just as any Mother should.
Baby Girl, I love you so much! You will always be in my heart.
Love,
Mommy
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| Naomi's Handprints |
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